Style: folk, ambient, atmospheric thrash metal, piano music (mixed vocals)
Recommended for fans of: Florida-Georgia Line, Led Zeppelin
Country: Kyrgyzstan
Release date: 1 April, 2024
There is a special breed of music that ascends to the upper echelons of my brain. One that not only shaped the very metal-loving man I am today, but continues to stick with me to this very day. An album that I listen to a fuck ton, and absolutely revel in every listen. Something that is so special to me, that I’d dare to call it my favorite 67 minutes of music ever recorded.
Opeth is far from that.
Never in my reviewing career have I heard something this horrendous. I mean, you’re talking to the man who took on Simulacra twice, and the surprise triple assassination from Chrisitan Culak and lives to tell the tale. This is a prog-metal masterpiece? Michael Akerman, or whatever his name is may as well pack it in now. Piano in a death metal song? Really dude? ‘The Leper Affinity’ had some mediocre riffs to start with, but then you put in that section of you singing these bullshit lyrics and it completely killed this song further. “You sighed and let me in?” What the fuck does that mean, Mike?
Don’t get me started on how many times he does this during the album. Every time his horrible clean vocals would come in, I’d roll my eyes. They’re fucking cheesy as hell and your music would be more brutal without them. But you know what’s really brutal about this album? These dudes can’t count for shit. Every time I’d count in a 4/4 measure, they’d end it a beat early. Honestly, you guys aren’t cool for inventing that, you’re just bad.
Speaking of invention, these guys really thought they were onto something here. Fusing death metal and prog rock? Get real, guys. You’ll have a lot more success being a Five Finger Death Punch cover band than you will as actual musicians. I’m pretty sure most of these riffs are out of time, but we already went over that. Every time you get a nice rhythm going, they switch it up into some more folk-y bullshit. Mikal Ankeman can’t keep a single idea straight, and it shows in their music, which they’ve got the balls to make an average of 8+ minutes long.
Let’s take ‘Bleak’ for example, which commits a cardinal sin in the intro alone. Acoustic guitars in a death metal song? Starting off bad. A non-pentatonic riff? Worse. But then Mike does his awful Cookie Monster vocals over some basic power chords and thinks that’s a riff. Anyone could’ve written that, and therefore it’s not prog.
The album is way too long, and the only song that seems to have ideas going is ‘Harvest’, but they still insist on mixing electric and acoustic guitar, which is how it always begins with these bands. Metallica sold the fuck out putting that in ‘Fade to Black’, and now look at them! Opeth have sold out before they’ve even begun their career. Stick to one or the other! I don’t understand why this band insists that blatant acoustic sections have to be in every single song. You may as well have Michelle Ackerfeild pick up a ukulele and start singing “Devious movements in your eyes!” because he needs to repeat that awful chorus four times in ‘Bleak’!
‘Blackwater Park’ is 12 minutes longer than it needs to be, and has the most mediocre riffs I’ve ever heard. But just when you think they’ve settled into a groove, they turn it into boring ambient, only to come back with more mediocre riffs. To top it all off, the production is downright abysmal. The guitars are way too loud, and the drums blend into the background, and of course Mike takes over everything when he starts screaming.
To say I’m disappointed is an understatement. To say I’m downright downtrodden is more like it. All of you proclaim this as some of kind of instant classic? You all really need to get your hearing checked, because this is the worst slab of music I’ve ever heard. I’m beyond disappointed with the lot of you, and will be handing in my resignation soon.
Recommended tracks: None
You may also like: Culak, Simulacra, The Dark Atom
Final verdict: 1/10
Related links: Spotify | Facebook | Instagram | Metal-Archives page
Label: They don’t have a record label because they’re bad :/
Opeth is:
– Mikey Ackerman (vocals, guitar, ukulele, samisen, snare drum, violin)
