Review: Simulacra – Brave New World

Style: Progressive rock (clean vocals)
Recommended for fans of: Tool if Tool couldn’t play their instruments
Review by: Zach
Country: Australia
Release date: 11 October, 2022

In my time at the Subway, I’ve met some pretty awesome people who I consider friends and I hope they see me as the same. It’s so weird being in a space where people offhandedly mention bands I had no idea others knew for the better part of 8 or so years. I honestly feel so privileged to be a part of this blog every single day of my life, and I’m so glad I get to be around such great people who have the same taste in music that I do.

That being said, Andy and Christopher, the two of you are fucking bastards. I hate the pair of you with every fiber of my being for bringing this monstrosity into my life. I was a better person before I listened to this, I probably had a great life ahead of me. A house, a job, a prog-loving wife were all ahead of me before I heard this. Now, I might as well be a shell of my former self. I’ve never experienced such soul sucking torture before in my life. Even the US government would deem this too much for Guantanamo Bay inmates. This album is ONE HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES LONG, and the entire time it’s pure misery. Not, like, the cool kind either. Misery that stems from the fact that this may be the single worst album I’ve ever heard. This makes Culak look like it was composed by Dan Swano, it almost makes the album enjoyable in comparison. Holy shit, this is the anti-The Mars Volta. While Frances the Mute is one of the longest albums in my library it doesn’t overstay its welcome. It knows when to say goodbye.

Brave New World is that annoying party guest that won’t fucking LEAVE. The guy who walks in already shitfaced, who picks up your guitar and plays 3 chords before slamming it against the wall, who lays down and defecates on your couch, wakes up an hour later, and sets your house on fire as he finally walks out. And as your entire house burns around you, you’re just happy he’s finally gone.

Let me back up here. You all saw the FFO, so I’m not gonna say it twice. Simulacra heard a Fear Inoculum vinyl that was put through a blender, pieced back together, and decided they could do better. Did I mention this album is an hour forty minutes long? That’s three Bleed the Futures, with enough time to make yourself a celebratory sandwich afterward. If you have the cojones to make your album that long, it better be the best prog I’ve ever heard. Bastard #1 Andy loves Midnight Odyssey, who makes fairly long albums that I don’t exactly enjoy, but at least I can listen to it.

The first song on this album tells you exactly what you need to know. In the 12 minutes it rears its ugly head, it goes absolutely nowhere. There’s just this constant build leading up to nothing while the singer sounds like Maynard James Keenan who got his LSD replaced with crack cocaine. This man sits here and moans out his pitchy vocals while something happens in the background. These aren’t riffs, in fact, I’m not even sure the instruments are in tune most of the time. Hell, they aren’t even on time most of the time. Whoever wrote and recorded this needs to be taken out back and given a prompt lesson on what the fuck a song sounds like, because clearly, they’ve never heard one before. There’s not a single hook or any recognizable bit of structure to be found. At all.

This isn’t just the first song either. ‘Brave New World’ is the very definition of painful meandering. I’ve heard funeral doom songs with more going on. I’m considering this funeral prog because the genre is now officially dead and Simulacra killed it. Finally, maybe I can act like a normal human being now. But I doubt it, because this thing has done irreversible damage to my brain. I swear I function differently after hearing the musical shart that is 4 minutes into ‘Community, Identity, Stability – Brave New World, pt. 3’. I’m not even sure if something’s out of time, because I can’t hear a damn thing aside from the vocalist doing…something? Listen, I’m sure there are lyrics here, but it’d be nice to hear them over whatever the hell the guitars are doing.

At least part 4 of this disasterpiece has the decency to be only 8 minutes. Sure, it’s 8 minutes of fuck all, just like the rest of this. But then these bastards have the audacity to put a TWENTY-FIVE MINUTE SONG after that. You aren’t Cryptic Shift, guys. ‘Moonbelt Immolator’ is one of the most badass songs in existence, the exact antithesis of whatever the hell this. This can’t even be considered drone but it may as well be a Sunn O))) album with the glacial pace it moves at. We get something of a riff at around the 16:30 mark, but it’d be good if it was in time. And then any bit of good grace is undone with out of time harmonies minutes later.

Oh, but we aren’t over yet. We’ve got a whole ‘In’El and ‘White Morning in a World She Knows’ before the album’s over. Two songs that make their insane run times seem minuscule, and here they felt like fucking hours. There’s nothing to say other than they’re terrible. Awful, irredeemably bad songs that I wish were the length of a Napalm Death track. Then, maybe this album would win some brownie points with me.

Usually, I’d have something nice to say here, because I hate giving bad scores to bands that have clearly put the work in. I love music, and I love people who have a passion for the craft. All I’d love is for a burgeoning band with a mediocre first to release a killer second and make me eat my words. But this, I can’t even say that this has passion put behind it. It feels slapped together and as sloppy as it comes. So, for once, I’m going to be harsh. Simulacra, if you read this, please for the love of God, just make the next one shorter. I’ll give you a whole extra point for that.

Recommended tracks: Absolutely not
You may also like: Hearing me scream and slam my fists against the wall
Final verdict: 1/10

Related links: Bandcamp | Spotify | Twitter

Label: Independent

Simulacra is:
– there are seriously no credits anywhere I don’t know who’s responsible for this.