Good day reader! Like I told you last time, NEW YEAR, NEW ME BLOG. I’m sorry to break it to you, but we’re no longer reviewing music. A new year, a new DECADE asks for new, AMBITIOUS ideas. We all had a spiritual awakening and realized that reviewing obscure music in a niche genre is something for plebs and garbage French black and white cinema enthusiasts. Instead we’ve realized that our sophisticated connoisseur tastes were much better suited for critiquing the higher pleasures of this world: food. And what’s a better way to kick off this new blog identity than to review our blog’s namesake? That’s right. This edition will be fully dedicated to highlighting the best, most underrated Subway sandwiches. With our superior taste we will tell you EXACTLY why our view is CORRECT and yours is WRONG.
So, with that said. It’s time to delve into these masterpieces and get your tummy growling like no (plebian) metal singer can achieve:
Taco beef
Review by: Sam
Some things in life we just take for granted. The everyday pleasure of eating a sandwich is something so banal you hardly ever think about it. What makes sandwich greatness? It’s an incredibly oversaturated genre. Many have attempted, but few have delivered true greatness. Most sandwiches just end up OK and you’re like: what on earth do I say about this?
Enter Taco Beef. Since Amsterdam isn’t fully in lockdown yet, I went out to the nearest Subway. I spent days looking at subs online to contemplate which would be the best, so ordering was easy. It was a sub with taco beef, nacho chips, BBQ sauce and some veggies. I took it home like the true pickup artist I am, and was expecting much greatness from this thicc, spicy looking delight.
So then came the moment of truth. But first, of course, I had to take a picture of my prize so I could feed my ego later showing everyone how swell I am. My anticipation was through the roof as I finally put it on my plate. The HUNGER overflowing. Finally I couldn’t control myself any longer and took a bite, and it was… pretty OK I guess. Not a major disappointment or anything, just… ok. Look here’s the thing: the beef pretty much faded in the background to the BBQ-sauce. It could have just as well been part of the bread. Furthermore the nacho chips weren’t all that crispy anymore so you barely noticed them either. Luckily the veggies and the bread did taste pretty good. Idk it was all so… homogeneous? The only thing that truly stood out were the tomato slices. For a beef sandwich it just wasn’t all that beefy if you get what I’m saying. It was as if you were misled by a pushup bra. I mean, all titties are great, but when you expect more they can be pretty disappointing.
Overall, I think next time I’ll just stay at home. Taco Beef is alright, but all around it’s pretty forgettable.
Rating: 6/10
Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki
Review by: Chris
Look the first thing I’ve got to say about this is I had to order it because where I live is currently shelter-in-place. Do you know how many times I’ve ordered a Subway sandwich to be delivered to my front door? I never have. I never will again. Not because it was bad perse, but just because the principle of ordering a Subway sandwich to my house is that cursed to me.
Now let’s talk sandwich. I ordered a footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki on toasted Italian Herbs and Cheese bread with provolone cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, spinach, red onions, banana peppers, extra sweet onion sauce and salt and pepper. I got Baked Lays chips for my side and a Coke to drink. Unfortunately Subway sent me CLASSIC Lays which are honestly garbage so that’s the first strike. Unwrapping the sandwich caused my dog to wake up from his nap and immediately attempt all the tricks he knows in sequence to receive this sandwich but I told him “Sorry big man, this is for the blog, people are depending on me to eat every bit of this sandwich and tell them about it”. This was ironic, because I didn’t eat all of the bread at the end, for reasons we will get into later.
Look the problem I immediately ran into was that the sandwich was already a bit soggy from transit by the time I opened it. Was this my fault for ordering a sandwich drenched in sweet onion sauce? Absolutely not, because I’m a customer and reviewer which means I’m not responsible for my own bad decisions or opinions. I feel the sandwich had been overly wrapped and caused compression which compromised what I have dubbed and patented as Bread Integrity™.
The first bite was fine, mild gushing of sauce and tomato but that was expected and somewhat acceptable. The normal crispness of the toasted bread and top crusting of the IH&C bread was non-existent due to the previously noted compromised Bread Integrity™ and thus I got little satisfaction from it. The chicken taste didn’t matter because it was smothered in teriyaki and sweet onion sauce to the point they could have served me pieces of day old italian bread as a substitute and I would barely have noticed. Subsequent bites had me noticing a creeping sense of bread sogginess I dread to see in a sub, and can sometimes be a real problem for the genre as a whole. That’s really my main problem with subs as a sandwich, they just seem to be a flawed vehicle sometimes and Subway has not really moved beyond the genre’s faults. You hate to see it.
Recommended sandwich pairings: The baked chips I actually ordered, perhaps a cheap merlot.
For fans of: easy lunch, losing weight I guess, sandwiches your dog does tricks for
Rating: provided sustenance/10
Turkey Breast
Review by: Jonah
So I was going to review the Turkey Breast sub for this edition. It’s not really original, it’s not experimental, but it’s a reliable staple in the sandwich genre. It’s consistent, it’s just enjoyable enough without taking you out of your comfort zone, and the individual elements are all consistent throughout.
Alas, my turkey dreams were not to be. Due to the current world we live in I was forced to order my food to be delivered to my home and thanks to an unknown but certainly horrendous series of events the food that was delivered to my door was not the sandwich I had ordered. Inside the paper delivery bag I found a pile of un-sauced, un-vegetabled, un-cheesed, and un-breaded sliced turkey sitting in a crumpled pile. So here I am, reviewing a pile of meat. I’m sad, I’m hurt, and I’m hoping that Subway will send me giftcards.
So yeah it has a little something for everyone.
Rating: 7.5/10
Flower Foods – Wonder
Review by: Matt
I had a hankering for my usual steak wrap, but when I got to the store, Covid-19 struck again – closed! You go your whole life thinking these things will never happen to you, until your world is torn apart. Anyway, it turns out the options are pretty limited, so I made do with an old American standby. After eating this, the only “wondering” I’m doing is about what the hell they were thinking. How do you release a bread this generic in 2020 with a straight face? I was hoping to see some innovation from Flowers Foods after 100 years of bread, but they just keep churning out the same flour-water-yeast bullshit. Don’t throw your money at this lazy cash grab… This company hasn’t been relevant since World War II.
Rating: 3/10
Grilled Cheese
Review by: Tyler
There’s like, 3 Subways in my city, two of them are closed for obvious reasons and the other just gave up and closed permanently. Also, people bought all of the bread and veggies, so I scraped together what I already had: Which is just an assload of meats and cheese. A nice baker I work with baked me some baller bread too so, suddenly, I was set. Now, what does me, the humble consumer, make when you have these ingredients? Just the fucking meatiest grilled cheese ever made. And if there’s one thing daddy knows, it’s how to grill a goddamn cheese.
I know some of you dumb purists will say that what I made was a melt, but whatever dude, shut up. It was perfect. Butter both pieces of bread. Then cheddar, salami, provolone, pepperoni, repeat until you can see your life getting cut short. Toast that boy. Look at that char on there, it’s perfect. Cheese melted, every slice mind you, meats are warm, and a little crisp. It takes time to make this, I had to watch this thing for 15 minutes. MINUTES. Then it was time for the cross section. And, it was fucked up. Meaty, cheesy juices everywhere, gosh dang crumbs. This thing was sloppy. But, she’s beautiful. Perfect, even. I turn to my wife, “look at this thing, it’s perfect.” With an eye roll, I knew she agreed. When I took that first bite, it was like the world stopped for a moment, and it was just me and the sandwich. I won’t go into details, but it was an experience. Such simple ingredients: cheese, meat, bread. Prepared so well. I did this last week and I’m still stoked on it. I’d make it again, even though it will kill me, my body didn’t feel right afterwards, in the best way. Save a life, make a grilled cheese.
Rating: who needs Subway? Grilled cheese bitch/10
Ham Sandwich
Review by: Stephen
Everyone has tasted a sandwich like this. Is it bad? Close. Is it good? Not at all. It will fill you up that’s about it. You can add spices to it, but it’s still vanilla. I understand why they had to change what they serve from “bread” to “bread product.”
If you have followed my reviews before you know that my biggest pet peeve is generic stuff. This is absolutely generic, any old group in a kitchen could make this. Subway has made some good sandwiches before, but this is not one of them. My advice would be to go with one of their more exciting options. I hope that Subway delivers (like Jimmy Johns) something more exciting in the future.
Rating: 5/10
Veggie Delite
Review by: Dylan
For the final time we review weird shit, and this time it’s vegetarian.
Now, the vegetarians are INSANE when it comes to cutting edge ideas. They can be extremely inventive, and because of that we’ve gotten some amazing new sandwiches thanks to them (quinoa paty most notably). However, this type of craziness can go too far. You know those black and white modern french movies that are absolute garbage, but your cinema fan friend claims to love them just to sound cool? This is the sandwich equivalent of that.
Veggie Delite, fucking, sucks. Imagine a grilled eggplant with tomatoes, minimal salsa, and softcore veggies with french dressing. Yeah, it’s THAT bad. I can’t even bother eating another bite of it, it’s absolutely unedible, and you should absolutely avoid it
For fans of: no
Rating: 1.5/10
(in case you didn’t notice this is April Fools)
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